It's Just Another Victim, Right?
by Brilliant Brunette Beauty
Summary: Jane's always rude and blunt during murder scene investigations. But when it's a Red John scene investigation, his thoughts betray his 'devil-may-care' attitude. Inside Jane's head when the team finds another Red John victim. *One-shot, Rated T for crime scene gore*


**Summary: Jane's always rude and blunt during murder scene investigations. But when it's a Red John scene investigation, his thoughts betray his 'devil-may-care' attitude. Inside Jane's head when the team finds another Red John victim. *One-shot, Rated T for crime scene gore* A/N: This story is just what I think Jane may be thinking when another woman person is killed by Red John. I wrote this at 3 am. Surprisingly, I'm my most angsty when I should be asleep. Tell me what you think!**

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The victim was tall, blonde, and a woman (surprise, surprise). She had come home from work at 8:00 p.m. Her husband wasn't due to come home until 10:00 p.m. at the latest. So, she became the unfortunate target of Red John, who used the time opening to his advantage. The crime scene is simple; the dead woman is sprawled across her bed, her throat slashed open and her stomach covered in frantic, deep slash marks that cover her entire torso. In other words, she looks like a gutted fish. Her glassy eyes are open and unseeing, pointed towards the ceiling. The bloody smiley face is on the wall behind her, openly mocking everyone in the room for their incompetence. For Jane, that sign that covers his bedroom and countless others is like a knife to his chest. Lisbon takes down notes as Rigsby examines the body; rather uselessly, Jane thinks. Red John doesn't leave evidence unless he _wants_ the CBI to have it.

"Her name was Amy Porter. Age, twenty-five years old. Her husband came home from work and found her like this." Jane drowns out Lisbon's words, as he already knows the details that he doesn't need. He comes closer to Amy's gruesome looking body, staring into her blue, lifeless eyes. She'll never see anything again. Red John made sure of that. Jane fixes his gaze from her eyes to her hair. It's a long length, golden blonde color, just like… Jane shivers. He can't do this again. He can't compare all Red John victims to his dead wife. Angela Jane was a beautiful woman, and Red John has seemed to take a liking to women like her since he chose to kill her and Jane's daughter for Jane's fatal mistake. Jane knows it purposeful. It's meant to remind him of that night every time he comes to work; the night his life ended. He puts away bad people. It's just his nature, but he can't put away one of the worst men to ever live. It haunts him day and night, tormenting him for not being good enough to catch the man who affected his life personally. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees the note he found on his door right before he found the bodies of his beloved family.

_Dear mister Jane,_

_I do not like to be slandered in the media, especially by a dirty, money-grubbing fraud._

_If you were a real psychic, instead of a dishonest little worm, you wouldn't need to open the door to see what I've done to your lovely wife and child._

That note. That NOTE. He knows each word by heart by now. It's true, he was a dishonest little worm and a dirty money-grubbing fraud. He cost his family their lives while he, the man who insulted Red John, was allowed to live and let the guilt consume him every day of his life. How unfair is it that two beautiful people who did nothing but associate with him had to be put to death while he lived. He'd rather be dead than live with this constant, nagging guilt he feels.

"Jane!" He turns back to the sound of the voice to find his team staring at him oddly. It hits him that he's been looking over Red John's latest victim for much too long, even for Jane. He usually talks to them as he looks over the body, bombarding them with seemingly insignificant details that always relate somehow to the murder. Red John is different, though. No one murder scene of his will help them. "Yes?" he answers, trying not to sound like he was lost in thought before. Lisbon nods towards the door. "There's nothing more we can do here. We should go talk to the victim's husband." Jane agrees silently, but makes no move to leave the room. He's still standing by Amy's body. "Give me a few minutes," Jane insists. Everyone on the team exchange glances, but then they shrug and leave the room. Lisbon, of course, gives Jane a concerned look, but she lets it go and walks away.

Jane sits down in a chair near the dead woman's bed, still looking over her body. She's so… dead. She doesn't look peaceful like some people say dead people look like. She looks like the result of a violent death, surrounded by blood and with a disturbed expression on her face. She would be hard to look at for most, but Jane doesn't find it nearly as hard to look at her as he found it to look at the mutilated bodies of his wife and child…

Jane berates himself. I can't think about that right now, he reminds himself. This isn't the right time. He'll be thinking about their deaths tonight, anyway. He stays up every night with extreme insomnia, agonizing over whether or not his young daughter suffered before dying, or whether or not Angie screamed out for him before Red John stabbed her. Another Red John murder means it will be at least a week before he actually sleeps well. It's always worse after he kills someone else.

Jane despises himself as he looks over Amy Porter's body. Did she suffer? He wonders. Was she asleep when he snuck in in the middle of the night? Did she wake up to his stun gun pressed to her abdomen, rendering her defenseless? Did he make sure he saw the fear in her eyes before he slit her throat? He hopes not. If he found out she did, he would blame himself. If he hadn't mocked Red John on air… If he had only left him alone. His wife and child would be alive and maybe, just maybe, this woman wouldn't have been a target merely because she was blonde and alone. Jane feels stupid and useless, like just another nameless victim of Red John. He can't stop this madman who killed Angela and Charlotte and Amy and countless others. Each day that goes by that Jane can't catch him, it's another person who comes that much closer to dying because Jane's always one step behind Red John, no matter how hard he tries to be the smartest person in the room. Red John will always be that person.

His obsession with finding Red John isn't just payback for his destroyed life. It's to makes sure that there's no more victims, no more grieving husbands or grief-stricken parents. He knows what it's like to be them, and he wouldn't wish that feeling upon anyone. He feels responsible for their pain and suffering. Why can't he put an end to it?

Footsteps break Jane out his reverie. He snaps his head towards the door, though he must admit it's hard to tear his eyes away from Amy. It's Lisbon, and she looks concerned. Jane knows why. He may be an expert at hiding his feelings, but this isn't how he usually acts at crime scenes. Usually, he's highly inappropriate, making blunt observations and grilling everyone at the scene, even the family of the victim. He walks around the crime scene himself, gets much too close to the body, makes false accusations to stir people up, and even helps himself to food it it's around. But now, he's quiet and withdrawn, in his own little world. This isn't the Jane he shows to everybody. It's the Jane he only lets out when he's alone or when he's confronted by his past.

"Are you okay?" she asks him. Jane musters up a blank face, though he wants to glare at her. He isn't 'okay'. He hasn't been actually 'okay' since that night all those years ago. He hasn't been 'okay' since he last spent a day with his beautiful family. He hasn't been 'okay' since his life was normal and Red John had no place in it. He's not 'okay' and suspects he will never be again. He'll always be this pathetic, shell of a man who has failed himself and all of the victims of Red John. Despite his thoughts, Jane sighs and looks back at the victim, away from Lisbon's knowing look. "Yeah, I'm fine," he insists, shrugging his shoulders.

"Why wouldn't I be fine? It's just another Red John victim, isn't it?"

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**A/N: I'll admit, trying to delve into Jane's mind is hard, which is why I didn't go for total first person point of view. I have trouble believing he's admit to certain things, even in his mind. Please review and tell me what you think!**


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